Tuesday, January 02, 2007

I tried to post a different flame on New Year's Day but it didn't work for some reason. This week has been a good week as far as being able to maintain focus but it seems like I can only do it in one area, excluding pretty much everything else. Someone called it "not being able to multi-task". I guess you could call it that. But to me, it feels like I "wander off" and get lost. I wish I had more control over this. It's scary. I remember reading what it feels like to a person in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, the fear and the confusion and such. I took care of a woman with Alzheimer’s and it was very, very difficult...and frankly, it frightened me to think what it had felt like for her (for me) to watch your memory disintegrate and the fear. She would wander. Without someone watching vigilantly over her literally round the clock, anything could have happened to her. The past week or so I have been able to maintain clarity & focus but just in one thing at a time. I'd like to say that I am back, that I will be posting regularly again but I can't say that because I don't know if I will wander off in my mind to some other thing and forget blogspot is even here. There is a residual guilt about this. I can't control it, yet I feel guilty of abandoning all of you...and you are all precious. I got lost in stumbleupon for a while and I thought I was going to get lost in making flames again but it feels like I am going to be sketching again. Probably a good thing, to get lost in that for a while. I made an effort to stay focused on fractals but who am I kidding. My mind wanders off like it is some other entity that lives in me and I can't control. I just wish I could stay in all these "worlds" at one time without getting utterly confused and overwhelmed. I realize as I read over this that even though the words seem clear (I think) and focused, that is not the state I am in. I am lost and this is just some more wandering. I wonder if this fractal is going to look right when it's posted. It is cropped. It doesn't look like a happy New Year fractal, just a blurry sliding around feeling to me so I guess it is an appropriate expression of where I am at. Sliding around and about, no direction and disconnected from you all and from myself. Sometimes I like it, the wandering, other times it scares me because it feels like I have little control. I am glad you all are still there. There is a lot of comfort in that.

6 comments:

Dzeni said...

The second fractal is very beautiful. It looks like a flowing silk scarf in gorgeous autumn colours.

Perhaps you will be able to share some of your sketches with us?

If its any comfort at all, I'm here and not going anywhere anytime soon.

Kia Kaha (That's Maori for "Stand Strong", only it loses a lot in translation).

Deborah said...

Beautiful work.

I too am not going anywhere. The passage of time doesn't matter. I will always come and visit.

Mile Stones said...

Dearest Oliviah, there are things you have to realise. First, there is no guilt here, you owe nothing. You come first.
Second, after the silence and out if the silence, your wanderings produce something as beautiful as this and make it available for all to see.
Third, you have opened yourself - again- and shown what is going on inside, with clarity and lucidity,even though that may come as a surprise to you. You must know that you DO make sense, in every sense.What you are having to go through is just about as cruel as anything can be. Your anxiety, your downs that it brings you are understandable and justified.
But when you appear and bring us your art, it is exactly like seeing the sun rise, or the most beautiful flower blossoming, I promise you.
In this place that you have created, there is nobody as precious as you, my dear.
We are here......kisses &(((((((O))))))))s

Autumn Storm said...

Yep, 'fraid you're well and truly stuck with me too. :-)

Mile Stones wrote the most wonderful comment with which I agree wholeheartedly. It could hardly be better expressed, so I'm not going to try. Leaving love and hugs instead, xo

Wontar said...

Add me to the list of people who aren't going anywhere. Heck, I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to see your fractals as well as your stumbles! Just try and get rid of me! :P

jane said...

That is so pretty, Oliviah.